Suppressed feelings.

If you're looking for a nice, chirpy post, this is certainly the wrong place to be.

Today was nice, but not. I was so certain, but I was confused. Ah, contradicting no?
Amidst all the fun and playing today, I suddenly felt like I needed some alone time. So I left Mind Cafe pretty abruptly I must say. The walk to the train station was quite a blur, totally wasn't taking anything in until I realised I didn't know where I was walking to. But I wasn't lost ogay! Anyway, the moment I stepped into the train and found a little spot of my own, all I felt like doing then was to have a real good cry. I wanted to bawl and wail and to just cry my heart out. I still feel like having a real good cry, but I know I won't. As usual, I'll hold everything in.

I think I am incapable of expressing what I feel anymore. Incapable of crying, incapable of opening up. All the times when I've forced myself to hold the tears back in and not letting them flow past the eye somehow seemed to have caused the tears to stay hidden permenantly. It has been a looooong time since I've cried. I always just feel the ache but the tears rarely appear. And today, I feel like I'm going to explode soon with all that suppressed feelings inside of me. Suddenly, it feels too heavy for me to carry it any longer.

Who do people turn to with their problems? Who do people speak to? I've realised that throughout the years, I meet a lot of people, make a lot of friends. Good friends, definitely. Best friends, yes during different phases of my life. What I never had was a bosom buddy whom I can tell my problems to, or share how I'm feeling without feeling the need to justify myself. That's why I never had friends problems. All the aruguments and crying over what friends said have, according to my memory, never occured to me, at least in the past few years, because I don't let myself get too close to things. But lately, I've been wishing for someone whom I can talk to.

I've been thinking about why I find it difficult to open up to people, beside the vulnerability reason, and I've kinda figured out that it's because I don't want to burden people, I don't want to come across as weak and lastly, I don't want people to hate me because everyone hates someone who's always upset. But if you think I'm still rather concealed, I must say that I've been much open this year than I've been in a really long time.

Well, I'll pull through as I always do. I'm a fighter and a survivor. Life goes on.